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Singles Scene News
PO Box 10159
Scottsdale AZ 85271
USA

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When are you "single"?

There’s more to it than the legalities

 

by Harlan Jacobsen

Many singles in the process of divorce do not consider themselves single and, therefore, feel guilty if they go to something for singles because they feel they are not really single. They say they are still legally married; the divorce isn’t final. Therefore, let’s clear up what is meant by the word single as far as this paper is concerned at least.

Our definition of single is "no longer living with" and that includes in the legal process. You may be separated, divorced or in the process and if you have decided you are not going back, then you can consider yourself qualified to attend singles events, answer ads, etc. Until you have your head to where you see yourself as single, however, you are probably not going to feel comfortable with other singles.

So it is not uncommon to feel like a fish out of water when you first start going to social events for singles. Other singles really do not care as much about how far along you are with the legal process as much as how far along you have progressed in emotionally untangling yourself from your ex. Initially, when you are in the process or transition stage, you want to and need to talk about your divorce and the process. Well-adjusted singles who have long since worked through that process themselves will be just as uncomfortable with you as you will probably be with them.

Therefore, it is often a good idea to start out in groups of newly singled that are in a similar stage of the process that you are. Divorce Recovery classes, some PWP "let’s talk" groups, etc., will have more other newly singled people in them than will such activities as Friday night dances, for example. After you "get your head on straight" then you too will feel comfortable and be able to really enjoy being with other well-adjusted singles who have their act together.

So there are different shades of being single, but it is mostly the adjustment process and how far along you are with that rather than the legal status that determines how "single" you are.