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How to avoid being out of circulation

copyright 1996 by Harlan Jacobsen

Most people, at one time or another, have been between friends. When you’re single and you just came out of a divorce rather badly scarred, you are rather shook up when your first romance afterwards falls apart, too.

It seems like it is just another divorce only in miniature. Now, however, when you have learned that you, too, can readily find a replacement just as good or better, then it really isn’t all that bad. So, there is no real need to go into modified mourning for months. A half-day is about right. As a matter of practice, you might consider always dating several people, never going steady (exclusively) but dating your favorite or favorites regularly.

Now, dating too many too much can be a rather fragmenting experience. So you may have to arrive at a better compromise, namely dating most of the time with your regular favorite but still going out at least once a week with nothing else in mind other than continuing to meet new people, then dating someone other than the regular at least once a week. This way, if your regular date relationship falls apart and splits, you will have an established procedure of running into new people because you have been working at it regularly. You have something all staked out that you can warm up quickly by advancing it to the front burner.

What this all means is that you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, then when your main basket gets kicked over, it’s not a complete personal catastrophe. It is not as much of a trying time for the gal who gets divorced and knew it was coming. She had already scouted up two or three that she had waiting in the wings. This takes much of the pain out of your loss - having some relationship you can turn to. True, it is much easier to date just one person and get your whole life revolving around this person. It takes much self-discipline to operate the other way. Unless you’re ready for marriage, keeping your hand in the singles market place while dating regularly, can help you regain trust and become more involved. Just knowing you are active in the singles market, so to speak, and knowing what and who is available, makes you less afraid of ‘getting hurt again.’

Being out of circulation because you’re between friends and the break-up of your last relationship still hurts badly is a sad state of affairs. You are in a self-perpetuating circle of self pity. Again, it requires self-discipline to make yourself get out and meet people on a regular basis when you would much rather sit home licking your wounds and feeling sorry for yourself. Remember, you will never make a good a boss if you can’t even boss yourself (self-discipline) and make yourself get going by doing what you should do.

There is no need to be between friends. Always have many friends, including some on the back burner. Too many singles go from a one-person, all-encompassing relationship which, of course, eventually falls apart. Then they go into shock and swing into the exact opposite - no relationship at all and go completely out of circulation, sulking for months, or even years at a time. Life is just too short for this type of mad up-and-down cycling. You must remember that love relationships seldom last forever. Some last two days, but rarely, other than in the fairy tales, do you find any that last forever. Far too many are waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse, or Cinderella to come out from behind the fireplace. The old line, "they lived happily forever after," if you remember, came from a fairy tale. So, it is better that you not expect your relationships to "last forever." Enjoy them to the fullest while they do last and say, "That was a great relationship" when they do break up. Be thankful that you had it and move on to the next one, happy in the expectation that this will develop into a great relationship, too. You will grow constantly with each relationship.

Too many singles restrict their time and dating to the person or persons they think have a possibility of marriage or a lifetime relationship. Anyone who does not fit into this picture is completely tuned out. It is far better to have many different types of friends that you can have fun doing things with so that you are happy, although single. Develop friends who are great fun to do certain things with - dancing, a friend to talk to, a friend who helps you do things you can not do as well, another friend to go to the movies with.

When you have learned to be happy although single, and have many friends, then and only then, should you consider marriage. You will consider it then only if it seems a happier alternative. If you are still operating as an unhappy single, marriage at this point may be only an escape that probably isn’t going to work.

Develop many friends and keep meeting new people. The romance of a lifetime is there.