by Janet L. Jacobsen

copyright 1998 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

First the book The Rules laid out "how to get a man" for women for whom being a doormat hadn't work, so they were ready to try deceit and manipulation.

Now comes equal time, sort of, for the guys, in the book The Scorecard: the official point system for keeping score in the relationship game, by Greg Gutfeld. Actually, this book is a guide to how to score points with women, how to stay on her good side, and how to recognize what you did that has put you in the doghouse, perhaps permanently. His overall theme is humor, but gosh, he seems pretty perceptive in figuring out how women award "points."

Gutfeld takes this from first meeting, through long-term relationships. His basic explanation of the scorecard is straight-forward:

1. You get absolutely no points by simply meeting her expectations. This includes things like saying I love you, buying flowers on her birthday, and not taking an airliner hostage. "While we applaud you for meeting these requirement, don't expect points for them. Do them and do not complain. No one is listening. Especially her."

2. Getting points has a larger purpose than you think. It keeps you out of trouble, improves your position in the relationship, and creates a "reservoir" you can draw on when, say, she lets you skip a Lamaze class to see the Bulls game with your pals.

3. Good deeds, and the points earned, have a short shelf life. "You must do your good deed within a day of the anticipated reward" such as cleaning the garage this morning to get "free unsupervised time with your unstable single friends" tonight.

4. But a bad deed can last forever (or at least three weeks). "As long as you're in the doghouse, you pay dividends. This is why you should avoid committing any major blunders."

5. Saturday and Sunday are gold mines. Massive home-improvement project get you a large lump sum of points.

6. Your mate is not stupid. Pretty much nothing will get you enough points for the green light to play naked Twister with your fetching new secretary. "The transaction must be reasonable, which essentially means you should be happy with whatever you get."

Honesty is essential in your self-scoring. "By not scoring honestly, you'll never know where you stand, for real, in your relationship with her."

Most relevant for singles is the section Gutfeld calls "The early years," mostly covering dating. Here are some "scoring" factors a guy should know when standing next to a gal he wants to get acquainted with, say at a local night spot:

Say, "What you need is a shot." -15
Say, "What you need is a back rub." -20
Say, "What you need is a nose job." -30
Introduce yourself, followed by your job title. - 15
Introduce yourself, followed by the make of your car. -16
Brag about your humidor. -17
Show her your scars. -47
Go off on conspiracy tangents. -20
Try to make her frightened of her tap water. -30
Ask her if she has ever been abducted by aliens. -50
Get to know her really well, make her laugh and act charming +5
until the waiter comes for drink orders, then slink back into the darkness. -60.

She's tallying up your score as you go now, so pay attention:

You ask what she does for a living, and she says she's a court report. 0
You say, "Great, I love basketball!" -4

You offer to buy her a drink. +4
You offer to buy her a house. -130
At the end of the night, you accompany her to her car. +5
You ask for her phone number and she gives it to you. +8
You write it down on your hand and joke, "I won't wash this off until I see you." +2
You write it beneath three other numbers -15
belonging to her friends. -60

Next consider the first dinner date:

You take her to a fine restaurant where you are well known by the staff +15
as a bad tipper -20
which is why you're seated under the air duct that sounds like a jet engine. -30
She orders hummus and black beans and you still don't figure out she's a vegetarian. -8
You order the all-you-can-eat rib special -5
and make a fort out of the bones. -54

And now the first dinner at your house:

You actually change your sheets and make the bed. +6
And you tell her so, repeatedly, throughout dinner. -34
You greet her at the door, take her jacket, and give her an innocent peck on the cheek. +2
You greet her at the door with wildflowers, take her jacket, and give her an innocent peck on the cheek. +4
You greet her at the door in your bathrobe -15
and you've got the camcorder rolling. -60
You offer her a glass of an award-winning wine. +10
You offer her a can of beer, from a cooler by the tv. -15
For dessert you picked up slices of the city's finest cheesecake. +13
For dessert, you show her the neat stuff you can do with Twizzlers. -15

Somewhere along the dating way you probably will have to deal with her ex-boyfriend. "Women feel that every new boyfriend should be an improvement over the last one."

You and your mate run into her old boyfriend, and you get along fine. +5
You pair off to a corner at the party and start commiserating. -5
She comes over just as you say, "She did that on the third date?" -44
You meet the guy and talk to him about work, sports, the stock market. +4
You mention how great sex has been lately with your mate. -4
He agrees. -10

"As you get to know her better, she only gets better at assessing your faults." At last this brings us to Her Birthday:

You buy her a gift 0
and it's a small appliance. -15
You lost the receipt. -100
You buy her a gift that's not a small appliance. +1
It's a box of chocolates that you picked up at the drugstore. -10
It was marked down 75% -20
and you already ate two caramels on the way to her place. -30
You purchase an expensive gift you'll be paying off for months. +30.
It's a beautiful pearl necklace. +75
It's a remote control dune buggy that does back flips on the carpet. -20
You forget her birthday completely. -50

And what does all this teach a man about getting along in dating? I think I can offer a summary, based on Gutfeld's careful and surprisingly accurate assessment of what wins with women:

1. Juvenile behavior costs you points. If it would make a third-grade boy laugh, or gives you that "teenage macho" feeling _ don't do it!

2. Listening is a minimum requirement. Remembering what you heard gets you points. Behaving as though you remember what you heard gets you lots of points.

3. Bragging loses you points. Lieing loses you more points. Lieing when bragging takes you out of the game completely.

4. Class is more important than cash, but cheapness costs you.

5. Patience and politeness seem like minimum requirements, but she considers them so rare that they actually get you points.