Single Scene Newsletter 4-30-04 Issue 91 Copyright Single Scene 2004 http://www.azsinglescene.com publi-@azsinglescene.com IN THIS ISSUE: * Arizona Singles News * COPING with a BREAK-UP: A report on strategies * ADVICE from Aunt Janet: When to share "bad" stuff * Ideas for DATING in May ------------------------------------------------------ Get timely tips on how to handle The Mysteries of Dating by signing up for Harlan’s dating e-newsletter. Just send a blank e-mail to dating_agai-@topica.com. ------------------------------------------------------ * Arizona Singles News * The Active Christian Singles dances on Fridays have moved to the Creighton United Methodist Church. Info at 480-897-4420. The Saturday, May 8, BETHANY SINGLES DANCES will be the LAST DANCE there until further notice. The building is being renovated. It takes place at Bethany Community Church 8-11:30p.m. $5. Dance Lessons at 7p.m. before each dance for $1 with Ken Trenoski, instructor. 6240 S. Price Rd. Tempe. Call Glen at 480-786-1053. Hitch to Single Methodists' Trolley Ride & Dinner May 8 Single adults of all ages and faiths are invited to the Single United Methodists' second Trolley Ride and Dinner, 6 p.m. Saturday, May 8. Diners meet at Paradise Valley United Methodist, 4455 E. Lincoln Drive, where they go by trolley to nearby churches at which courses of a four-course meal will be served. Three of Arizona's most popular homegrown folk talents will serenade diners: Grammy-winner Dolan Ellis, Arizona's official storyteller Marshall Trimble, and songwriter-guitarist Sue Harris. Total cost is $30. Reservations are a must by May 4. For info, call (602) 258-1207. --------------------------------------- For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our website at http://divorcerecovery101.com. ************************ ** COPING with a BREAK-UP: a report on strategies by Janet L. Jacobsen Last issue we reported on a study that looked at people's strategies for break-ups. We covered an array of possible methods for leaving your lover. This issue we'll report on what the study had to say about COPING with being the leavee. Researchers asked 61 college students what methods they used to cope with the end of a romantic relationship. In particular they looked at whether "leavers" had different strategies than "lefts." Turns out the leavers are somewhat more likely to rely on what the researchers called "self-enhancement" strategies aimed at self-understanding and self-improvement -- things like spending more time with friends and family, putting the word out that they are available for dating, or becoming introspective (spending time alone; reflecting on the relationship). Lefts also relied most on self-enhancement, though they used somewhat different strategies within the category, including more time with friends and family, but also keeping busy with work or hobbies; changing their perspective on the relationship (such as "concluding it was for the best"); and changing their outward appearance, such as getting a new haircut, or "making sure that I look good." Unlike leavers, however, about 11% of lefts also used "cost-escalation" strategies, such as bad-mouthing the former partner to other people, and being intentionally mean ("I flirt with them just so I can refuse them when they express that they want me back"). Some break-up and coping strategies actually overlap. Avoiding the person is part of breaking up, but it's also a way of coping. Spending more time with family and friends is part of ending the relationship, as well as dealing with the ending of the relationship. The article concludes that it's helpful to develop personal "rituals" to use in dealing with break-ups. Perhaps your preferred pattern would be --setting aside some time for introspection, --adjusting your perspective on the relationship, --becoming more self-focused (such as making more time for a hobby, or trying a different hairstyle), --and getting more in touch with your social networks. Having a pattern of activities that you use for coping can make each process less traumatic. A necessary part of dating is breaking up. Not all relationships work out. For some we have high expectations, others we're surprised that they last as long as they do. This research suggests that having a "ritual" of activities that you use as part of the coping process -- whether you are the leaver or left -- will help ease the transition. ------------------------------------- YOU CAN HELP! Our singles' Internet information, maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people, which means we have little budget to promote our services. Newly singled people will find out about it and get help only if readers like you (word of mouth) tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites, newsletters, and courses. Remind them these are all totally FREE. ----------------------------------------------- ADVICE from Aunt Janet: When to share "bad" stuff In a recent advice column a man asked how and when he should reveal that he's an ex-convict, something that happened 27 years before, with a clean record since. The advice was that the information only needed to be divulged at the point that it seemed the relationship had long-term potential. Let's consider this, regardless of what type of negative news you are thinking of sharing. There are two things we weigh in such cases: privacy, and potential. If what you are sharing is NOT widely known -- and you do not want it widely known -- then you need to be very selective about who you tell. Do not have the discussion until you know the person well enough to know they will respect your privacy even if they choose to end the relationship. Unfortunately, we can think people have "potential" long before we know if they're trustworthy. Waiting MAY increase the risk of rejection. But if they are trustworthy, your privacy is still protected. However, discovering they are not trustworthy should result in YOU terminating the relationship. And your privacy is protected. So if privacy is the overriding issue for you, patience is your friend. But when the person has BOTH potential and trustworthiness, it's time to disclose. --------------------------- IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS, meeting people can be fun and easy ! Improve your MEETING PEOPLE skills with the HOW TO MEET PEOPLE audiocassette by Janet Jacobsen, editor of Single Scene. You’ll learn **How to overcome your fears **Three sure-fire meeting methods **Where to find interesting people **Simple, fun techniques to improve your social life NOW. To order HOW TO MEET PEOPLE, send $9.95 (first class postage & handling included) to Interpersonal Enterprises Inc. Box 6243 Dept. E Scottsdale AZ 85261-6243. Satisfaction Guaranteed! ----------------------------------------- Great Dates! Single Scene's list of date ideas costing $7 per person or less, including hundreds of FREE things to do around Phoenix. Send $2 to Great Dates, Single Scene, Box 10159, Scottsdale AZ 85271. ---------------------------------------- ** Date Ideas for May ** Schedules are subject to change. When possible, always call ahead to confirm. Sat., May 1: Chihuahua races! How can you lose! 7th annual Cinco de Mayo Celebration, AJ Chandler Park, 3 S. Arizona Ave. Free. Chihuahua races begin at 5:30. Music, dance, arts & crafts, food booths. 480-782-2735. Sun., May 2: Here's a way to find out if you have similar tastes in lifestyle without making a big commitment. Attend the Maricopa County Home & Landscape Show, Az. State Fairgrounds, 19th Ave. & McDowell, Phx. $5 adm. (parking costs too). 10 am to 6 pm. 480-778-9955. Mon., May 3: Art Salon, Pulliam Auditorium, Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central Ave., Phoenix. 6:30 pm reception, 7 pm lecture/discussion on art & artists. Free. 602-262-4636. Tues., May 4: Concerts at the AMP (Tues. thru June 1), features The Collaboration dance company. 7:30-8:30 pm, Mesa Amphitheatre, 102 N. Center Street. Free. 480-644-5538. Wed., May 5: Adults' Night Out, Arizona Science Center, 7th St. & Washington, Phoenix. 5-9 p.m. Includes a special program or lecture (7 p.m.). $5 adm., plus $2 for giant-screen film or planetarium. 602-716-2000. Thurs., May 6: Demonstrate your wild side with a visit to the Motorcycle Jacket exhibit (thru Aug. 29) at the Phoenix Art Museum, 1625 N. Central, Phx. Open til 9 pm and free on Thursdays. Fri., May 7: Enjoy an outdoor movie, but you don't need your car! "Kangaroo Jack," (rated PG) 7:30 p.m., Movies in the Park (every Friday), Kiwanis Park, Mill Ave. & All-America Way, Tempe. Free. 480-350-5189. Sat., May 8: Visit the Butterfly Pavilion, 10 am to 4 pm (May 1 to 9), Desert Botanical Garden, 1201 N. Galvin Parkway, Phx. $1.50 plus garden admission. 480-941-1225. Sun., May 9: Mother's Day. Forget going out for dinner any place except maybe fast food. But a GREAT day for a picnic. Too hot? Head up a little higher, such as the Seven Springs recreation area near Cave Creek. Picnic tables, big trees, a flowing stream. Perfect. Mon., May 10: Might still be cool enough at night for a walk, and it's light late. Your nearest canal is probably a good choice. Stop for dessert after. Tues., May 11: Most Tuesdays there's a backgammon tournament at 7 pm at the George and Dragon pub, 4240 N. Central in Phoenix. Tourney entry is $10; bring your own board. 602-265-1992. Wed., May 12: Every Wed., 7:30 p.m. Poetry slam open to all. Essenza Coffee House, 1350 S. Longmore, Mesa. 480-461-0445. Thurs., May 13: Scottsdale Galleries "Bon Appetit" Artwalk, 6-9 pm, Main Street & Marshall Way district. Free. Galleries feature special exhibits, plus hors d'oeuvres, pastries, and wine tastings. 1-888-383-8472. Fri., May 14 (thru 16): Food fans! You can get locally grown produce -- plus food and entertainment -- at the Arizona Sweet Onion Festival, taking place in the historic farm setting of Glendale's Sahuaro Ranch, 9802 N. 59th Ave. 6 am to 8:30 pm. Free adm. Info 623-930-4200. Sat., May 15: Every Saturday, classic cars & motorcycles exhibited approx. 5-9 p.m. (or later) around McDonalds at the Scottsdale Pavilions, Pima & Indian Bend Roads in Scottsdale. DJ plays old rock & roll. Free. 480-991-6007. Sun., May 16: Live@theLake concert series, Tempe Beach Park. 1 to 7 pm, featuring several live bands. Free. Mon., May 17: Have you been neglecting the joys of lunch dates (especially as first dates) lately? If you're downtown at noon time, "New Times" says the best downtown lunch is at My Florist Cafe, 530 W. McDowell, Phx. (602-254-0333). Tues., May 18: Most Tuesdays, Salsa Dance lesson, Axis/Radius, 7340 E. Indian Plaza, Scottsdale. 8:30 p.m. $5. 480-970-1112. Wed., May 19: Need to work off some mid-week frustrations? The "New Times" says the best indoor (meaning climate controlled) racing is at Speedway Indoor Kart Racing, 2425 S. 21st St, Phoenix. 620-275-5278. Thurs., May 20: Third Thirstday Night Cafe. Tempe Historical Museum hosts a "cafe" 6:30-8:30 p.m. with the museum open to the public and a special lecture on Japanese Americans in Arizona, 6:30 to 8:30 pm. 809 E. Southern Ave. 480-350-5100. Fri., May 21: Every Fri., open dancing to a variety of music, 9:15 p.m. to midnight. Dance lessons 7:30-9:15. $5 Paragon Dance Center, 3029 N. Alma School, Chandler. 480-777-8877. Sat., May 22: Since everyone's going to the mountains NEXT weekend, head out of town for the day. Visit one of our great State Parks, like the natural bridge near Payson or the Fort Verde Historic State Park in Camp Verde. See azstateparks.com or call 1-602-542-4174 for info. Sun., May 23: Sunday Concert Series, thru July 11, McCormick Stillman Railroad Park, 7301 E. Indian Bend, Scottsdale. Tonight featuring Azz Izz. 7:30-9 pm. Free. Food available. Train and carousel rides, $1 per ride. 480-312-2312. Mon., May 24: Relive high school. Have a pizza-and-a-movie date! Hit the early (discount) show and go out for pizza after. Or get a take-home pizza (Costco's are great!) and rent a movie. Tues., May 25: Oh no! The weather's getting hot? Go out for ice cream! Wed., May 26: Does eating Mexican food REALLY make it seem less hot outside, or do we just not care? "New Times" says the best Mexican restaurant is La Casa del Mariachi, 1420 N. 24th St., Phoenix (602-275-8565). If there's too much month at the end of your money, go for their pick for best cheap Mexican food, at Restaurant Mexico, 120 E. University, Tempe (480-967-3280). Thurs., May 27: Free wine tasting 5-7 p.m., free concert 7-8:30 p.m., Carefree Town Center amphitheater, 101 Easy St., Carefree. 480-488-3686. (every Thurs. in May) Fri., May 28: Memorial Day weekend begins. Avoid the crowds; stay in town! Special restaurant you've been meaning to go to but you never remember to make the reservation ahead of time? Give them a try tonight. Sat., May 29: Family Fun Night features Stargazing at the Challenger Space Center, 21170 N. 83rd Ave., Peoria. 6:30 pm. Adm. $6. 623-322-2001. Sun., May 30: Sundays, Greater Phoenix Swing Dance Club Dance, VFW Post 720, 4853 E. Thomas, Phx. Lesson 5-7, dance 7-10. $5 adm. Info 602-269-5657. Mon., May 31: Memorial Day. Many area cemeteries will be wonderfully decorated. Attend ceremonies at the national cemeteries.