Single Scene Newsletter 5-29-03 Issue 80 Copyright Single Scene 2003 http://www.azsinglescene.com singles@globalcrossing.net IN THIS ISSUE: * Myths about the bar scene (Part II: How to meet; rejecting and rejection) * Advice from Aunt Janet -- Summer: Good time for group dating * June Dating & Mingling Opportunities --------------------------------------- Get timely tips on how to handle the mysteries of dating by signing up for Harlan’s dating e-newsletter. Just send a blank e-mail to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com. ----------------------------------------------- MYTHS ABOUT THE BAR SCENE (Part II) by Janet Jacobsen Last newsletter we started our two-part series on “Myths about the bar scene.” We covered 4 basic myths: “The bar scene is the best place to meet people,” “Everyone in bars is a drunk,” “You need a couple of drinks before you ask anyone to dance,” and “You have to be a good dancer.” This issue we conclude with 6 more myths that can hurt your ability to meet new people 5. YOU CAN'T MEET ANYBODY IN BARS. Wrong. But when most people say "anybody," they mean "somebody"--particularly somebody special. This gets trickier, and, like we said earlier, takes greater skills. And adjustments are required on two fronts: how you behave yourself, and how you select the people you want to meet. (And I'm assuming here that what you want is quality friendships and potential relationships.) In terms of your own behavior, in the bar scene, it's better to err on the side of acting too conservative than too rowdy. If you're a dancer, then approach those people who most look like they want to dance. If you're a talker, then be extra observant about what's going on in the place, who's dancing, who's talking. Noticing the little things will give you something to comment about to just about anyone; if they're interested, they'll comment back. 6. YOU GET REJECTED MORE OFTEN IN BARS. True, the bar scene is very "competitive" in that sense. People tend to be much more defensive than they would be at a church social, for instance. My rejection rate asking men to dance at singles dances is about one in twenty; in the bar scene it's one in three. Like I said, the bar scene is the toughest environment to handle, and fear of rejection is one of the reasons. So keep in mind that everyone's rejection rate is higher in the bars, and don't let that stop you, if this is a place you really want to be. And keep working to improve your skills in selecting people to meet. 7. YOU GET STUCK WITH PEOPLE YOU AREN'T REALLY INTERESTED IN. Skills again. If you know how to mingle, you won't get "stuck" with anyone, anywhere. If you don't know how to mingle, you can get "stuck" anywhere. The key problem here (bar scene and other places too) is the idea that you have to have a chair, and it's your chair, and you're going to sit there no matter what. Then you get "stuck" with whoever sits in the chair next to you. The other person isn't the problem; the chair is the problem. Liberate yourself; move around. Key liberating phrase: "It's been nice talking to you; but it's time for me to mingle." Then mingle. 8. IT'S ALL "IN CROWD;" THEY'RE NOT INTERESTED IN NEW PEOPLE. Depends, on the bar, the night, and the crowd. Many places do develop a certain core group that shows up regularly certain nights of the week. You have a couple of alternatives: "break in" to the group, or develop your own group. You break in by being there regularly, approaching these people in a friendly but distant way (no party crashers please), and giving things time to develop. Also, in any "in crowd" there will be some folks who nevertheless mingle. Approach those people first. You start your own crowd by ignoring the "in crowd" and getting to know everyone else that's there. 9. MEN HAVE IT EASIEST IN THE BAR SCENE. That's what women think (or at least, traditional women), because theyfigure that men can and do approach anyone they're interested in. Well, the social custom is that they can, and the reality is that they don't. In my observation, the average boy-next-door nice guy gets rejected about 75% of the time in the bar scene; that slows a lot of them down. The risk seems so great then, that they get very cautious about who they approach, and many times are least likely to meet the women they find the most interesting. On the other hand, some guys have pointed out to me that since they are as likely to get rejected by unattractive women as they are by attractive women, when they do ask, they only approach the spectacular ones so that they feel the risk is "worth it." I've noticed that these follows rarely ask more than one or two women to dance in an evenings, and consequently (with a 75% rejection rate) may never get to dance at all. Men don't think they have it easy. 10. WOMEN HAVE IT EASIEST IN THE BAR SCENE. Men think so. They think all that the average woman has to do is sit there, and men flock over, and she selects who she's interested in and discards the others. Maybe that's true for the stunningly beautiful woman. Maybe not. But for the "average" woman, it ain't so. We sit there (if we're being traditional) and wait. And wait. And try to look like we're having a good time, sitting. And waiting. The reason I started asking men to dance, more than fifteen years ago, is because the waiting is God awful. Fellas, you don't know what rejection is like until you've been out for an entire evening, waiting, and no one, absolutely no one, has asked you to dance. It's like being rejected by the whole world. If it was easier, I'd still be doing it. I'm not. [Editor’s note: We welcome your comments and suggestions!] <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< SHARE WITH A FRIEND-- PLEASE FORWARD THIS ISSUE ! If you haven't already done so, please forward this issue to your single friends and associates. Thanks so much! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ADVICE FROM AUNT JANET -- Summer: Good time for group dating Pre-teens, teens, and even some young adults often don’t “date” to get to know each other. Instead, they “hang out” in groups of friends, get acquainted, and then decide who is (or is not) interesting enough to merit splitting off for some one-to-one time. That’s one of the traumas of “dating” for some young people when they finish school -- suddenly the “crowd” gets smaller and they have to generate their social life on their own. But the advantages of “hanging out” don’t have to end with high school or college. You can keep it going -- or make it happen -- throughout your single life. 1) Join existing singles groups that have activities that interest you. INSTANT opportunity to get to know a lot of singles casually, and over a period of time. (No such local group? START one! 2) Make a pact with your single friends (and acquaintances!) to regularly plan activities and invite a “crowd” along. This is best if scheduled for a consistent night (and maybe a consistent place, to get it started). Invite EVERY single you know; so what if YOU aren’t “interested” in them? You’re developing a CROWD, not a romance. “A bunch of us play volleyball every Wednesday night at 7 at City Park. Come any time!” “On Thursday nights a big group of us go dancing at Joe’s. Drop in, if you want. I’ll introduce you to people!” In no time, you’re “hanging out” again, with all the social advantages. ---------------------------------------- For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our website at http://divorcerecovery101.com. YOU CAN HELP! Our singles' Internet information, maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people, which means we have little budget to promote our services. Newly singled people will find out about it and get help only if readers like you (word of mouth) tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites, newsletters, and courses. Remind them these are all totally FREE. ------------------------------------------------ June DATING & MINGLING Ideas Sun., June 1: It's National Trails Day around the nation. Many volunteer opportunities through national, state and local parks, plus the national forest and BLM. Plus many guided hikes and trail-related events. (Some events will be on other dates.) See www.azstateparks.com or call 602-542-4174. Mon., June 2: First Monday, Art Salon, Pulliam Auditorium, Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central Ave., Phoenix. 6:30 pm reception, 7 pm lecture/discussion on art & artists. Free. 602-262-4636. Tues, June 3: Movie Tuesdays movie discussion series, every Tuesday, 5:30-7 p.m. Pulliam Auditorium, Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central, Phoenix. Free. 602-262-4636. Wed., June 4: First Wednesday, Adults' Night Out, Arizona Science Center, 7th St. & Washington, Phoenix. 5:30-9 p.m. Includes a special program or lecture. $8 adm., plus $2 for giant-screen film or planetarium. 602-716-2000. Th., June 5: East Coast Swing classes, VFW Post #720, 4853 E. Thomas, Phoenix. 7:30 p.m. $5. 602-245-0467. Fri., June 6: Every Fri., open dancing to a variety of music, 9:15 p.m. to midnight. Dance lessons 7:30-9:15. $5 Paragon Dance Center, 3029 N. Alma School, Chandler. 480-777-8877. Sat., June 7: Weekends you can ride the chairlift at Sunrise Park Resort on the White Mt. Apache Reservation for just $8. Info 800-772-7669. Sun., June 8: Sundays to July 13, McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park hosts its annual free Concert Series 7:30-9 pm. Live bands with a different variety of music each week. Bring a blanket or lawn chair. Park is on southeast corner of Scottsdale Road and Indian Bend. Info 480-312-2312. Mon., June 9: Hot summer nights. Perfect night to go out for a banana split. Or better yet, rent an ice cream freezer and make ice cream at home. Tues., June 10: Most Tuesdays there's a backgammon tournament at 7 pm at the George and Dragon pub, 4240 N. Central in Phoenix. Tourney entry is $10; bring your own board. 602-265-1992. Wed., June 11: Mid-week's a good time to head to a "dollar" theater to catch a movie you missed from the first part of theyear. Th., June 12: Every Thurs., free night at Phoenix Art Museum (donations appreciated). Til 9 p.m. 1625 N. Central. 602-257-1880. Fri., June 13: Evening poetry reading, Changing Hands Bookstore, McClintock & Guadalupe (sw corner), Tempe. Sat., June 14: McDowell Mountains Night Hike. Meet 6 p.m. Scottsdale Parks & Recreation is leading a 6-mile moonlight hike in the McDowell Sonoran Preserve along an old jeep trail to the vista of Taliesin Saddle. $14 for residents, $21 nonres. 480-312-7901. Second Saturday, thru Sept.: Free concert 8-10 p.m. in the outdoor amphitheater at the new Steele Indian School Park, 3rd St. & Indian School, Phoenix. 602-495-0739. Sun., June 15: Father's Day! Promote "male-bonding" activities. Take in a tractor-pull, maybe? Mon., June 16: Go for a walk -- indoors at a mall. Have a salad for dinner in the Food Court. Tues., June 17: Word-buffs meet every Tuesday night 6 p.m. for Scrabble, at the Hampton Inn, just south of Shea on Scottsdale Rd. Wed., June 18: Heard Museum's 74th Anniversary, 9:30 am to 5:30 pm. 2301 N. Central Ave., Phoenix. $7 adm. 602-252-8848 Th., June 19 (to June 22nd): First-ever Heard Museum Film Festival, 2301 N. Central Ave., Phoenix, featuring films to indigenous peoples from around the world. 602-252-8848 Fri., June 20: Get out of town! Drive to Sedona or Flagstaff for dinner. If that's a bit too far, how about the Rock Springs Cafe at the I-17 turnoff for Black Canyon City. The cafe's on the west side of the highway. Famous for pies! Sat., June 21: Summer Plant Sale, Flagstaff Arboretum. 4001 S. Woody Mt. Rd., Flagstaff. Most "mountain" plants don't do well in the desert, but it's a good excuse to go to the mountains -- and to visit the Arboretum. 928-774-1442. Sun., June 22: Every Sunday, free admission day at the Pueblo Grande Museum, 4619 E. Washington, Phoenix, on southwest archeology and culture. 1-4:45 Sunday. 602-495-0901. Mon., June 23: Have a pool? It's just two days after the Summer Solstice, so there's plenty of light in the evening to have a few friends over and grill burgers and hang out in the pool. Make it a "days are getting shorter" celebration! Tues., June 24: Poetry in the Park, Encanto Park Clubhouse, 2605 N. 15th Ave., Phoenix. 7-9:30 p.m. Free. 602-262-6412. Wed., June 25: Acoustic Jam Session for amateurs. 7 p.m., large meeting room, Glendale Public Library, 5959 W. Brown St. Free. 623-930-3537. Th., June 26: Thursday Lunch Talks, noon to 1. Bring your lunch for a talk on the area's diverse cultures. Free. Pulliam Auditorium, Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central Ave., Phoenix. 602-262-4636. Fri., June 27. Wet & Wild Water Day, 11 am to 3 pm, ChaparralPool, 5401 N. Hayden Rd., Scottsdale. Free. Inner tub relays, sandcastle building, rafts races. Mostly for kids, but fun to watch! 480-312-2370. Sat., June 28: Hogs in Heat, all-you-can-eat barbecue & dance, Rock Springs Cafe, Black Canyon City (exit 242, I-17 n. of Phx.). 4 pm-? 623-374-5794. Sun., June 29: Sundays, Greater Phoenix Swing Dance Club Dance, VFW Post 720, 4853 E. Thomas, Phx. Lesson 5-7, dance 7-10. $5 adm. Info 602-269-5657. Mon., June 30: "Rodeo Drive" in Kierland is misted (Scottsdale Rd. north of Greenway) so you can stroll around this imitation "downtown" in relative comfort. Lots of restaurants in the area for dinner or dessert. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS, meeting people can be fun and easy ! Improve your MEETING PEOPLE skills with the HOW TO MEET PEOPLE audiocassette by Janet Jacobsen, editor of Single Scene. You’ll learn **How to overcome your fears **Three sure-fire meeting methods **Where to find interesting people **Simple, fun techniques to improve your social life NOW. To order HOW TO MEET PEOPLE, send $9.95 (first class postage & handling included) to Interpersonal Enterprises Inc. Box 6243 Dept. E Scottsdale AZ 85261-6243. Satisfaction Guaranteed!