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SEXUAL SINGLES, PART 5

By HARLAN JACOBSEN

SEX IS A DROUGHT OR FLOOD FOR
MOST SINGLE ADULTS.

It seems that when we are most deprived of filling our sexual needs we find it most difficult to fit our needs no matter how hard we try. Sometimes it seems that the harder you try the less it seems to help.
When things get going for you sexually then it seems all those that were not interested before suddenly become interested too. Right now you say your problem is you have no experience filling your sexual needs outside of marriage and just getting started or the idea of getting started ltself is very threatening and uncomfortable for you. If I just knew that members of the opposite sex were interested in me sexually it would sure help me get through this anxiety about having sex without being married. It is true that gaining sexual confidence again is some hassle and somewhat emotionally draining initially. Some go out and have to prove themselves desireable by going to bed with a quantity of people to prove to themselves that the opposite sex does find them sexually desirable and then once they have proved that to themselves they can then settle back to some type of normal sexual life as a single person.

WHEN YOU DEVELOP SEXUAL SELF CONFIDENCE AND SOME SUCCESS, THEN FILLING YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS
GETS TO BE FAR LESS HASSLE.

After you have gained some sucess in sex outside of marriage, then you do get out of the desperate sexually needy person category and it shows in the improved success that you have in filling your sexual needs. Getting turned down is no longer devastat ing when you know you are okay and a desireable partner.

HOW DO YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO IS INTERESTED IN HAVING SEX WITH YOU

When you are new to this as novice single you have a problem in that you are unable to accurately detect who Is and who is not interested in you sexually or In a sexual way. Later on you will have developed sort of a sixth sense about who is turned on by you and who is not Interested In you In that way. Until you develop that sixth sense from practice and experience then you will have to verbalize your needs and ask the appropriate questions to find out where your potential partner Is in the same regard. Knowing where your partner is at the moment will save a lot of yours and their time as well. So the trick initially is to learn how to verbablize where you are and to be able to easily find out where your partner is and how your partner looks at the potential at least of the relationship.

UNTIL YOU DEVELOP EXPERIENCE AND A SIXTH SENSE ABOUT WHO IS INTERESTED IN YOU IN A SEXUAL WAY
WE RECOMEND THAT YOU USE THE THREE QUESTIONS METHOD OF FINDING OUT WHERE YOU BOTH ARE

Later on you won't need this but initially it does give you some knowledge of what is going on between you and your potential partner instead of having to fly blind all of the time. Well experienced singles usually know how to read other signals unconciously but newly singled are often totally frustrated from having read the signals wrong.

THE 3 QUESTIONS are part of learning to be real about where you are and allowing your partner to always be real about where they are at. No more pretending or decieving, Just being honest about where you are. Many newly singled find it very scary to tell it like it is and you need to learn to be able to this in non sexual matters as well.

Whenever you are asking someone else where they are at the moment you need to volunteer where you are after asking permission to ask some rather personal questions. If they say, oh, alright, then state where you are and then ask the question of them. This makes it easier for them to be real when you tell them where you are first.

MEMORIZE THESE THREE QUESTIONS

First ask permission to ask a rather intimate question.
SECOND State where you are... I find you sexually attractive.
QUESTION NUMBER ONE...Do you find me sexually attractive to you?
second statement.. .I could certainly fantasize having sex with you.

QUESTION NUMBER TWO...Could you fantasize having sex with me?
Note: Accept no maybes, no If. just yes or no. Anything else is baloney.
QUESTION NUMBER THREE. How about a date? (you may ask for any type of date).

NOBODY ASKED ANYBODY TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

The first question was to find out if they found you sexually attractive or not. Not just attractive but sexually attractive. Either they do or they do not. It needs to be yes or no. Accept nothing else.
The second question asks if they could visualize going to bed with you, and either they can or they can not. Again, accept only yes or no. It is not a commit­ment to go to bed with you, it only asks if they could fantasize going to bed wIth you. It is not a commitment to ever do anything.
Question number three is for a date, let's say "How about going to a movie with me Thurs­day?" is not a date to go to bed or any commitment that you wlil ever go to bed with them, it is only a commitment to go to a movie. Now you might ask for a date involving sex if you feel you are both ready for that and if that's the case it would be a logical third question, or it may be even phrased as a statement such as "Let's go to my place right now and make it real." You might get no on the first question, and even a no on the second and still get a yes if you ask them to go to bed with you. You may get any combinations of yeses or no. You might for example get a no, I can not fantasize going to bed with you, but I would like to get to know you better, I am Interested in many of the same things you are.

IS THIS EXCITING ATTRACTIVE PERSON INTERESTED IN ME SEXUALLY????
An answer to any of the questions only tells you where they are right now. They may feel entirely differently later. Maybe you get a NO right now. They could not fantasize making love with you. But two hours from now after two drinks they may feel entirely differently and drag you off to bed with them.

NOW YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AS FAR AS SEXUAL POTENTIAL WITH THIS PERSON

You can now get on with the development of whatever type of potential relationship you have here. This is far better then one believing you have one type of potential relationship and the other has in mind a potential something else.

LEARN TO BE REAL..THEN OTHERS WILL BE REAL BACK.
Learning to be real saves everyone a lot of time and frustration. You are now an adult. You do not have to play pretend things are different than they are any more.

Next issue, How do we get past that awkward stage and actually get in bed together

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