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Sexual Singles part 9
Love - Sex and the Ariz. Single
By Harlan Jacobsen
Love is a whole group of attitudes, ideas, ideals and emotions and includes sex as one part. Sex by itself is a biological drive, a function of the body and is controlled by what a person believes, or is preprogrammed with as a philosophy of life. Sex normally is considered what you can GET from others. Love, on the other hand, is putting another's well-being ahead of your own, sacrificing to put their welfare and happiness as number one. What you can GIVE. Love is centered, in the other person, sex is self-centered normally. Love involves what you can give others - sex is what you can get from others. Sex without love is normally then, somewhat selfish, with lack of consideration. When you learn to be loving or a great lover in a sexual relationship you have learned to be more concerned with and derive as much or more satisfaction from giving satisfaction as you do from getting self satisfaction. When you have succeeded in turning your sex relationships from a getting situation to a giving great pleasure and satisfaction situation, you have taken the big step. Masters and Johnson state that you have to learn to give to get. To me, this means for you to get the ultimate satisfaction what you give becomes more important than what you get. It is no longer a sex relationship, it is a loving relationship.
Most seem to be more interested in what they can get. Why should I waste
my time studying and learning to give more, that doesn't help me. Why
don't I buy a book or something, let them learn how to give me greater
satisfaction? This is the solely sex-oriented attitude. The love attitude
is how can I make things better for my partner. Learning and unselfishly
giving your all in a sexual relationship gives you self assurance and
great pleasure in being able to and knowing you are able to give the ultimate.
It is like learning to play a violin, you derive some pleasure from the
music you make, true, but the great pleasure is being able to make that
violin come alive and make that violin give forth that beautiful music.
That ability, though it takes you years of practice to develop to be a
real artist, will give you pleasure the rest of your life. The true artist
can make beautiful music even with a rather ordinary violin. A great artist
will most certainly deserve and obtain an extraordinary violin to make
music with.
It will become necessary in order to become a genuine loving person, not
a selfish individual concerned with your own pleasures, to become more
giving in your other facets of your relationship too. Physical sexual
gratification can be obtained without having love involved.
Sex as part of a loving, giving relationship where you both CARE about
the other's gratification physically and emotionally, is something much
more meaningful and satisfying. Part of this learning to be a giving person
in a sexual relationship is learning how to master the art. Some study
of good information of the subject and some practice to make it subconscious.
Perfection will take some time. Communication on an honest and uninhibited
basis will be necessary from your partner for perfection. The big step
is self-motivation to make the necessary effort to learn and to continually
work at developing a sensual sexual awareness that responds with pleasure
to your partner's needs and delights. . Many feel that women give sex
to get love and the male animal gives love to get sex. The truly sexually
"liberated" woman today is now finding that with physical development
and practice, with unconditioning, reprogramming of a "nice woman
doesn't enjoy sex" to "sex is the greatest joy", she is
potentially able to get more from sex than the male. This often requires
a true awakening of hidden potentials.
Love and sex are interconnected. Sexual desire is an important part of
falling in love. Today even though sexual values are changing and partners
may or may not marry, people tend to fall in love to insure they will
always have a sex partner according to a New York professor of psychiatry.
Falling in love and marrying have represented for most people, he feels,
the traditional way of satisfying sexual desires in a socially and personally
acceptable way. The psychiatrist, Dr. Al Rifkin says that to fall in love
there must be a. mutual attraction, similarity in tastes and backgrounds
and adaptability to each others differences. A big factor in falling in
love he states is the need for companionship and the hidden hunger for
closeness.
The male's ability to perform sexually at will is far more limited than
the female. With a knowledgeable, giving, caring female partner he knows
that he cannot fail, whereas the average unknowing male can fail which
can cause further psychological problems. The sexual. training of men
or preprogramming, usually originates in the back alley discussions with
the boys and is oriented nearly 100% to male satisfaction. Quite often
he doesn't even know that his actions have a direct bearing on whether
his partner develops any satisfaction from the relationship. He may have
been married 20 years and his wife received little satisfaction from the
sexual relationship. Neither she nor anybody else has ever told him otherwise.
How is he to know unless somebody tells him? Who is going to tell him?
Everything is becoming easy to talk about in media such as this newspaper,
but sexual communication between lovers has advanced little from the "nice
people don't talk about that sort of thing" or "if I say anything
derogatory they will be absolutely crushed so I must put up with this
to spare their feelings." Openness, a willingness to exchange ideas,
feelings, and desires are necessary.
Yes, we can now talk about love and sex as an important part of a total loving relationship. Knowledge and mastering of the art of love does not make you a promiscuous sexual technician. It can lead to a beautiful - gratifying relationship for a lifetime, for both you and your partner.
As a single in Arizona, your question might be, do singles expect sex
in a relationship? Most expect it as a part of a total relationship and
counselors and singles inform me that most are involved in some type of
sexual relationship. It has advanced to the point now that the single
woman on a date with a man that doesn't make sexual approaches, wonders
if there isn't something wrong with him. The new magazine, "Marriage
and Divorce " has an article entitled, "Liberated Sex, the Rise
and Fall of Male Potency." It starts out with a line about a man
that suggests they sleep together for the first time. "Your place
or mine?" is the eager response. "If you're going to hassle
about it, let's forget the whole thing" he retorts angrily. Yes,
Mr. or Ms. Single, things have changed - sex has been there all the time
...only now we can talk about it.
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