Single Scene Newsletter 3-01-02 issue 65 Copyright Single Scene 2002 sing-@primenet.com! In this issue: * Advice from Aunt Janet: Are you REALLY in love? * Harlan's favorite fun web site: Chilly Beach! * How to Save Your Relationship: THE ART OF APOLOGY * March Dating & Mingling Calendar Looking for GREAT PLACES TO MEET Arizona singles? Interested in good advice about dating and relationships? SUBSCRIBE to Single Scene newspaper ! Delivered direct to your door by an agent of the U.S. Government! (Your postal person.) Just $9.50 for 12 bi-monthly issues--send to Single Scene, Box 10159, Scottsdale AZ 85271. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- ADVICE FROM AUNT JANET: Are you REALLY in love? It was the songwriter John Denver who said, "In the spring a young man's fancy turns to what the girls have been thinking about all winter." So before we are all swept up in the coming joys of spring, let's stop and soberly contemplate one of life's burning questions: How do you know when you're REALLY in love? No test is infallible, of course, and some folks who fail every test nevertheless manage to make a relationship last. But in the end, in most cases, two things count: You are both being real with each other, and you both care for that other real person. We can't love what we don't know. Obviously, if one of you is being false (even if you're calling it your "best behavior"), then it is the false image that's "loved" and sooner or later the truth will come out. While we all think it's horrible to have been so "deceived" by the other, most of us also think we are perfectly justified in "putting out best foot forward," hiding our real feelings about some things, keeping certain things to ourselves. Full disclosure probably isn't necessary to a successful relationship, but major deception is probably fatal to one. So how do you know if you're both REALLY in love? Time is the test. Rush ing a relationship makes deception too easy. Take your time. Time, as they say, will tell. ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][ Harlan's FAVORITE FUN WEB SITE: Chilly Beach Our publisher, Harlan Jacobsen, loves to cruise the Internet. He writes, "This is my favorite web fun web site: . They have 3 or 4 movies that are a riot. You have to install Flash 5 free but it is worth the trouble. It's a favorite fun site to send your friends -- lets em know you are still thinking of them!" <----><---><----><----><----><---><----><----><----><---><----> How to Save Your Relationship: THE ART OF APOLOGY by Janet L. Jacobsen Someone has screwed up big time in your relationship, and what's needed now is an apology. You've been the person who should apologize; you've also been the person waiting -- patiently -- for an apology to come. One of the difficulties of relationships, it seems, is that we are poorly trained in the art of apology, which could also be called "How to help your relationship survive when you've just blown it badly." In a singles discussion group recently we considered this problem: Martha and George had a small quarrel and stopped speaking to each other. Now Martha has apologized. 1. George is most likely to ____. 2. George should ____. A. & B. below are the possible answers. Select one for each; you may repeat. A. Accept the apology. B. Apologize too. This particular scenario was drawn from the book "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. In explaining the "best" way to handle the situation, Tannen says, "Accepting an apology is arguably quite rude. From the point of view of connection, an apology should be matched." This stirred up considerable response in the class, with some disagreeing, and others strongly agreeing. At the very least it became clear that you shouldn't assume that everyone else sees situations requiring an apology the same way you do. In fact, based on our discussion, the class finally concluded that if men want to end a particular dispute, they should match her apology. (Men didn't seem to think it was as important for her to match his apology, however.) Later one of the fellows who had been most surprised by the discussion stopped me at a singles event to tell me what an impact this new point of view had had for him. He had been dating a woman who was somewhat difficult to get along with (I didn't ask for particulars). They had recently had a conflict about something and later she had called to apologize. The problem, he said, really had been her fault, but he thought, "Well, I could have handled it better." So when she apologized, he said something he'd never said to her before. He said, "It was my fault too." And that, he said, had changed her completely, or, as he put it, "She's been wonderful ever since." He wasn't sure exactly why it had changed her attitude so much, but what he had learned in the class had been right: in relationships, apologies should be matched. As one psychologist explained it, "The successful apology requires empathy and the security and strength to admit fault, failure, and weakness," But a "botched" apology can strain relationships and even lead to life-long grudges. To be successful, an apology must include several elements. First is to acknowledge that an understanding or rule of the relationship has been broken, and it's best to be specific. Saying "I'm sorry for what I did" is not nearly as helpful as "I'm sorry I betrayed you by talking about you behind your back." Next, you must show that you understand what you did and how it affected the other person. "I know I hurt you and I'm very sorry." By admitting our error, we reestablish that the broken rule is still important, that we still share the same values with the other person. Next, say the experts, an apology must include an explanation of why we committed the offense, something that again shows that this event represents a mistake, and not who we really "are." You were tired, sick, distracted, unhappy -- "and it will not happen again." At this point it is also necessary to show that what happened wasn't intended as a personal affront. "This lets the offended person know that they should feel safe with you now and in the future." Finally, for a really effective apology you have to suffer. For the listener to believe that you are sincere, "You have to express genuine, soul-searching regret." Guilt tells the offended person that you're distressed over hurting them. And shame shows you are genuinely disappointed with yourself. Of course, it is not always necessary to apologize, or to reciprocate an apology when you receive one. Good apologies skills are only necessary if you want to save your relationships. <----><---><----><----><----><---><----><----><----><---><----><---->< SHARE WITH A FRIEND-- PLEASE FORWARD THIS ISSUE ! ---------------------------------------------- If you haven't already done so, please forward this issue to your single friends and associates. Thanks so much! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< MARCH DATING & MINGLING Calendar Fri., March 1: First Fridays art gallery tour, downtown Phoenix, 7-10 pm. Free. DASH bus starts from Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central, Phx. 602-253-5000 ext. 1. Sat., March 2 (also Sun.): 44th annual Indian Fair and Market, Heard Museum, 2301 N. Central Ave., Phoenix. $10 adm. 602-251-0214. Sun., March 3 (also Mar. 24, 31 & Apr. 7): Sunday A'fair, noon to 4:30 pm, Scottsdale Civic Center Mall; mini-festival with live entertainment. 480-994-2787. Mon., March 4: 7 pm, chess night at Borders Books & Music, Biltmore Fashion Park, 24th St. & Camelback, Phx. Watch; play! 602-957-6660. Tues., March 5: Most Tuesdays there's a backgammon tournament at 7 pm at the George and Dragon pub, 4240 N. Central in Phoenix. Tourney entry is $10; bring your own board. 602-265-1992. Wed., March 6: Adults' Night Out, Arizona Science Center, 7th St. & Washington, Phoenix. 5:30-9 p.m. Includes a special program or lecture. $8 admi., plus $2 for giant-screen film or planetarium. 602-716-2000. Thurs., March 7: "Live at the Library" features entertainment, especially musical groups. Free. Glendale Public Library, 5959 W. Brown St., 7 pm, auditorium. 623-930-3573. Fri., March 8 (also Sat.-Sun.): Scottsdale Arts Festival, Civic Center Mall. 10-6 Fri. & Sat., 10-5 Sun. 185 exhibiting artists, multiple stages of live entertainment, food. $6 adm. 480-994-ARTS. Sat., March 9: Most Saturday nights, Centerpoint, Mill & University, downtown Tempe. 6-9 pm., live music, magicians and other entertainment. Free. 480-947-3500. Sun., March 10: "Live at the Lake," music concert, Tempe Town Lake Beach Park every Sunday. 3 pm thru March. Admission & parking, free. 480-350-5287. Mon., March 11: Downtown Mesa is a strolling art gallery, through March, with 22 life-like bronze sculptures of people doing ordinary things, scattered along Main Street. Take a walk; stop for dinner or dessert. Tues., March 12: Lots of "coffee" spots regularly have live evening entertainment; call around near you. A good one is Coffee Plantation, at the Biltmore Shopping Center. Wed., March 13: Royal Scottish Country Dancing, 7 pm, Scottsdale Senior Center, Civic Center & 2nd Ave. Free. 480-834-5662. Newcomers welcome. Th., March 14 (also Fri.-Sun.): National Festival of the West, WestWorld, 16601 N. Pima Rd., Scottsdale. A celebration of everything cowboy, including western films, music, poetry, cooking, & historical reenactments. 602-996-4387. Fri., March 15: It's spring training time and baseball stadiums across the Valley are playing ball. 480-994-2586 for teams and schedules. Sat., March 16: Classic car exhibits 5-9 p.m. around McDonalds at the Scottsdale Pavillions, Pima & Indian Bend Roads in Scottsdale. Sun., March 17: Adobe Mountain Railroad Museum and Desert Railroad Park, 23280 N. 43rd Ave., Phoenix. Free rides in mini-steam trains. 12-5 pm. Free (donations appreciated). 623-386-5737. Mon., March 18: Time for the citrus to be blooming! Take an evening walk in any old-town neighborhood with lots of citrus trees! Afterward, stop for lemonade. Tues., March 19: Not much in annual wildflowers this year, except in places that cultivate them, like the Desert Botanical Garden. Open evenings, plus they have new exhibits. 480-941-1225 Wed., March 20: Nonsmoking coffeehouse, 7 p.m., auditorium, Glendale Public Library, 5959 W. Brown St. Free. 623-930-3573. Thurs., March 21: Free night at Phoenix Art Museum (donations appreciated). Til 9 p.m. 1625 N. Central. 602-257-1880. Fri., March 22: Warm days, balmy nights -- dinner on a patio. Any restaurant's, or your own. Sat., March 23: Make A Difference Day, 8 am to 3 pm. 100 volunteer project sites throughout the Valley. Info: 602-973-9233 or www.makeadifference.org. Sun., March 24 (also 23rd): WorldPort, Glendale's celebration of nations, Thunderbird Graduate School of International Management Campus, 59th Ave. & Greenway. Entertainment, dance, ethnic food, bazaar. 10 am - 6 pm. Free adm. & parking. 623-930-2963. Mon., March 25: It's staying light longer into the evening. Take a drive to see wildflowers (any local regional park), then stop for dinner. Tues., March 26: Poetry in the Park, Encanto Park Clubhouse, Phoenix. 7:30-10 p.m. 602-261-8993. Wed., March 27: 7-10 pm, coffee house with performers and a jam session, Encanto Park Clubhouse, Phoenix. 602-261-8993. Thurs., March 28: Art Walk, Scottsdale galleries, 5th Ave. area. 7-9 p.m. 480-990-3939. Fri., March 29: Astronomy Open House, Bateman Physical Science Bldg., H-wing roof (5th floor), ASU. 8-10 p.m. Free. Telescopic views. 480-727-7010. Sat., March 30: Hogs in Heat, all-you-can-eat barbecue & dance, Rock Springs Cafe, Black Canyon City (exit 242, I-17 n. of Phx.). 4 pm-? 623-374-5794. Sun., March 31: Every Sunday, free admission day at the Pueblo Grande Museum, 4619 E. Washington, Phoenix, on southwest archeology and culture. 1-4:45 Sunday. 602-495-0901. < > < > < > < > < > IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS, meeting people can be fun and easy ! Improve your MEETING PEOPLE skills with the HOW TO MEET PEOPLE audiocassette by Janet Jacobsen, editor of Single Scene. You'll learn **How to overcome your fears **Three sure-fire meeting methods **Where to find interesting people **Simple, fun techniques to improve your social life NOW. To order HOW TO MEET PEOPLE, send $9.95 (first class postage & handling included) to Interpersonal Enterprises Inc. Box 6243 Dept. E Scottsdale AZ 85261-6243. Satisfaction Guaranteed! **************************