Singles Scene Newsletter 6-28-01 issue 56 Copyright Single Scene 2001 sing-@primenet.com! In this issue: * How to Understand the Opposite Sex * Advice from Aunt Janet: How to lose any chance at the relationship * Arizona Date Ideas for JULY (For practical, helpful advice on adjusting to single life, visit our new web site: www.divorcerecovery101.com.) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * How to Understand the Opposite Sex by Janet L. Jacobsen All this raving by women that men never talk about their feelings has got to stop; men do talk about their feelings, but they phrase it differently than women do. And men need to hush up about how difficult it is to know what's going on with women - a lament permanently enshrined by Fraud's question, "What does a woman want?" We are telling you all the time, but you are paying attention to the wrong things. The solving of these seemingly perpetual problems is a two-step process. One is that you have to phrase your question right in the first place, so that they understand the question on their terms. Then you have to translate what you hear back to the person in your own terms, and then negotiate from there. ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS In our culture, men get lots of reinforcement for action, for analysis, for a Sergeant Friday "Just the facts, ma'am" approach to life. So they carry on much of their conversation in those terms. Women, on the other hand, are raised with an emphasis on the process - how is everyone getting along? How are you feeling? How are things affecting you? Their approach emphasizes understanding and sympathy, rather than any call to action. Which is not to say that men don't have feelings or can't be sympathetic, or that women can't be factually- oriented or take action. It's just that we tend to approach the world out of our particular viewpoints. Consequently, ladies, when you want to know how a man feels about a subject, ask him what he thinks. "What do you think about how things are going at work?" Gentlemen, when you want to know a woman's thoughts on a subject, ask her how she feels. "So how are you feeling about your car after all those repairs?" REPEAT IT LIKE YOU HEARD IT In both cases, the person will probably give you lots of information (assuming you're a careful listener who doesn't try to tell the other person what they are thinking, but really pays attention to what the other person says). When they do, tell them what you heard in your own terms. So the work discussion goes like this: "What do you think about how things are going at work?" "The situation is looking pretty grim. Three more people are being laid off this week. Morale's getting real low. I don't know how much longer I'll have a job." At this point she can summarize the feelings she thinks these statements represent. "Sounds like you're getting worried about the situation." At which point he will probably say, "Of course I'm worried. Isn't that what I just said?" Or maybe he'll say, "Not worried, really. But maybe nervous. Definitely nervous." Now she knows what she wanted to know - how he's feeling about his job. The car conversation would go like this: He says, "So how are you feeling about your car after all those repairs?" "It makes me so angry I could just scream. I hate having to depend on automobiles when they don't work. I get upset just thinking about having to get in that car again." Here he summarizes what he's heard in terms of the action they suggest. "Sounds like you're thinking about trading this one in." At which point she will probably say, "Of course I have to trade it in. Isn't that what I just said?" Or maybe, "No, I'm not trading it in. I hate car shopping even more than I hate this car." Now he knows what he wanted to know - what she wants to do about her car. COMMUNICATION IS ONLY APPROXIMATE Notice that in both cases it doesn't really matter if the person's interpretation of what they heard was wrong. By telling the other person what you think you've heard, it gives them a chance to clarify the situation, thus achieving the real goal for both people - understanding, and feeling understood. Now it may well be that in both our examples, there is a lot more to be said, many more options to discuss, many more feelings to clarify. As long as the conversation follows this process - asking the question in their terms, clarifying what's said in your own - you are likely to stay on course, and not get sidetracked into side issues (such as whether all men/women are all alike, etc.). If you feel things going astray, state your position in their terms. He says, "What I'm trying to do is understand how you feel about this." She says, "It's important to me to understand what you're thinking is on this." And what you will get, with enough practice, is a man who talks about his feelings and a woman who tells you what she wants. And then we'll all have to look for something else to complain about. *********************** Advice from Aunt Janet -- How to lose any chance at the relationship Had a date or two with someone who has delivered the news that they don't think the "relationship" has a future and don't want to go out with you any more? Or worse yet, been trying for quite a while to GET a date with someone who continues to say "No"? Stop asking. Oh, I know you've heard those romantic stories about someone who persists and persists and the other person finally falls in love with them. Forget it. These are liberated days -- either sex can and does take the initiative in asking for dates. If they change their minds and decide they are interested, they'll let you know. In the meantime, stop bugging them. If you see them, smile sweetly, but that's IT. Today, persisting after getting a firm no is called HARASSMENT. Even if harassment isn't your intention, persisting will be interpreted as harassment, and if the other person feels they are being harassed, they will NEVER be interested in you. Back off. Give it a rest. Move on. That's life. ----------------------------------------------------- SHARE WITH A FRIEND-- PLEASE FORWARD THIS ISSUE ! ---------------------------------------------- If you haven't already done so, please forward this issue to your single friends and associates. Thanks so much! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< July Date Ideas Sun., July 1: Frontier Days & World's Oldest Rodeo, Prescott. To July 4. 800-358-1888 Mon., July 2: Music in the Park Summer Concert, Kiwanis Community Park Lake, Mill Ave. & All-America Way, Tempe. 7:30 pm, with "Swing 7," high energy swing. Free. Open lawn seating. 480-898-5665 ext. 2679. Tues., July 3 (and Wed., 4th): The Tempe July 4th Festival at the new Town Lake will include fireworks over the lake on the 3rd and the 4th. Plus there's a festival with live music at Tempe Beach Park (Mill & Rio Salado) both nights beginning at 5 pm. Festival admission is $8 at the gate. 602-840-9005. Wed., July 4: Biggest event in Arizona is the free Fabulous Phoenix Fourth at the Wesley Bolin Plaza, 17th Ave. & Washington in Phoenix. You and a couple hundred thousand of your closest friends can hear Tracy Lawrence as well as other stages of entertainment, then see fireworks at 9:35. A free shuttle will run from Arizona Center 4 to 10 p.m. 602-534-3378. Thurs., July 5: Summer Spectacular ArtWalk, 6-9 pm, downtown Scottsdale. Celebrating Scottsdale's 50th anniversary. Free. Galleries, demonstrations, entertainment. 480-312-2335. Fri., July 6: City swimming pools are open to help you cool off on these hot days. Phoenix has 28 pools, open noon to 8 pm daily through Aug. 12, then weekends through Labor Day. Adult admission is $1.50. Swimming lessons are offered too. 602-534-7946. Sat., July 7 (and Sun.): Cat lovers can find each other at Feline Fireworks, at the Mesa Centennial Center, 201 N. Center St., 9 am to 4 pm, sponsored by the Desert Cats Cat Club, and featuring 225 kitties in competition. $5 admission. 520-537-8889. Sun., July 8: McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park hosts a free concert 7:30-9 p.m. (Also July 15.) 7301 E. Indian Bend, Scottsdale. 480-312-2312, ext. 5 for info. Mon., July 9: Music in the Park Summer Concert, Kiwanis Community Park Lake, Mill Ave. & All-America Way, Tempe. 7:30 pm, with "Zum Zum Zum," Latin music. Free. Open lawn seating. 480-898-5665 ext. 2679. Tues., July 10: Tuesdays in July, Arizona State University offers a free Summer Concert Series, noon to 1 pm, in the programming lounge of the Memorial Union in the south center of campus in Tempe. Info 480-9565-5062. Wed., July 11: 7 p.m., every Wednesday night fun skate for adults, El Dorado Park, 2311 N. Miller Rd., Scottsdale. Winds thru city. Free. 480-942-4156. Thurs., July 12: Gold Rush Night, Eldorado Park, 1909 N. Miller Rd., Scottsdale, sponsored by Scottsdale Parks. Free western family event with carnival games, watermelon, ice cream, live entertainment. 6:30-9 pm. 480-312-2483. Fri., July 13: It's your lucky day! Or Set your budget before you go (one roll of quarters is good) and spend some time at one of the nearby casinos. You can make it a really lucky day if you just look around and don't gamble! Sat., July 14: Pueblo Grande Museum hosts a one-day van tour to the Indian Market at the Sharlot Hall Museum in Prescott, including visits to some petroglyph sites. $35 for nonmembers. Advance registration required. 602-495-0901. Sun., July 15: Every Sunday, free admission day at the Pueblo Grande Museum, 4619 E. Washington, Phoenix, on southwest archeology and culture. 1-4:45 Sunday. 602-495-0901. Mon., July 16: Host a multi-national cold food night: gazpacho soup, antipasto plate, bread and cheese, ice cream. Tues., July 17: It stays light late enough, you can pack a picnic and head to the lake (Saguaro Lake and Lake Pleasant are close) and splash in the water too. Wed., July 18: Every Wed., 7-10 pm, coffee house with performers and a jam session, Encanto Park Clubhouse, Phoenix. 602-261-8993. Thurs., July 19: Antique Walk, downtown Glendale. 623-435-0556. Fri., July 20: Fountain Hills Community Theatre, 17325 E. Rand Dr., is offering summer stock musical theatre Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (2 pm), with "Nunsense" July 20 to Aug. 5. Tickets are $15. 480-837-9661. Sat., July 21 (and Sun.): 14th annual White Mountain Native American Art Festival, Blue Ridge High School, Pinetop-Lakeside. Arts, food and entertainment. $6 admission. Info, 520-367-4290, or 800-573-4031. Sun., July 22: Like history, the Old West, architecture, etched glass, lower temperatures? Head to Flagstaff (average daytime temperature, 81!) and visit the Riordan Mansion State Historic Park. Make tour reservations ahead, 520-779-4395. Mon., July 23: Rent an ice cream freezer and make your own. Best if you hand-crank, but motorize if you must. The freezer should come with recipes. Tues., July 24: Poetry in the Park, Encanto Park Clubhouse, Phoenix. 7:30-10 p.m. 602-261-8993. Wed., July 25: Wednesdays (except first Wed.), Royal Scottish Country Dancing, 7 pm, Scottsdale Senior Center, Civic Center & 2nd Ave. Free. 480-834-5662. Newcomers welcome. Thurs., July 26: Every Thurs., Sc. Center for the Arts, Civic Center Mall, is open til 8 p.m. 480-994-ARTS. Fri., July 27: Scottsdale's 25th Annual Mighty Mud Mania, with races through a mud-filled obstacle course for kids to age 13, but bigger folks can watch. All free, 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. at Chaparral Park, 5401 N. Hayden. (480) 312-2771. Sat., July 28: Hogs in Heat, all-you-can-eat barbecue & dance, Rock Springs Cafe, Black Canyon City (exit 242, I-17 n. of Phx.). 4 pm-? 623-374-5794. Sun., July 29: Get up REAL early (pre-dawn) to be at one of the Phoenix Mountain Preserve parks, or one of the large county parks, at dawn for a wildlife-watching hike. Carry water; it gets hot fast. Mon., July 30: Thunderstorms brewing? Drive to the top of South Mountain (nominal city park per car fee) and watch the weather roll in. Tues., July 31: Most Tuesdays there's a backgammon tournament at 7 pm at the George and Dragon pub, 4240 N. Central in Phoenix. Tourney entry is $10; bring your own board. 602-265-1992. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN ORDEAL TO MEET PEOPLE, if you know the right conversational skills. Improve your MEETING PEOPLE skills with the HOW TO MEET PEOPLE audiocassette by Janet Jacobsen, editor of Single Scene. You'll learn **How to overcome your fears **Three sure-fire meeting methods **Where to find interesting people **Simple, fun techniques to improve your social life NOW. To order HOW TO MEET PEOPLE, send $9.95 (first class postage & handling included) to Interpersonal Enterprises Inc. Box 6243 Dept. E Scottsdale AZ 85261-6243. Satisfaction Guaranteed! **************************