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Life after the break-up
Negotiating what's left of the relationship when the dating stops
by Janet L. Jacobsen

What happens when a dating (nonmarital) relationship breaks up? Do people keep interacting, get back together, become friends?

A recent study reported in the "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships" examined how post-breakup relationships progress, using a sample of 174 undergraduate students ages 18 to 47 (average age, 21).

Relationship patterns after a break-up

Participants completed surveys on key turning points and on the quality of the relationship since the breakup. They found that these post-dating relationships typically followed one of four patterns.

The most common was what the researchers called "relational decline," cited by 60% of the respondents. Commitment either remained high immediately after the breakup or had a subsequent spike in commitment, but eventually resulted in low levels of commitment.

Next most common, cited by 37%, was "upward relational progression." These relationships showed serious negative feelings after the breakup, then experienced some improvement, followed by another dip, and then a general rise in positive perception of the post-breakup relationship.

Another 21% of participants experienced the third most common pattern, "turbulent relational progression." These relationships were "tumultuous," with often drastic ups and downs in their post-breakup experience.

Finally, the least typical experience (18%) was the "linear process." Whether commitment levels were high or low following the breakup, they changed very little over time.

The researchers found that those who had an "upward" pattern were the most likely to be happy with their post-breakup relationship.

If people can experience very different patterns of handling their relationships after breaking up with a dating partner, what happens along the way to influence those changes? The researchers found several "turning points" that significantly influenced the adjustment process after a breakup.

The most common was a negative redefinition of the relationship, mentioned by 29%. This included such events as an argument, an uncomfortable conversation, jealous reactions, unrequited advances by the ex, the ex-partner's new relationship, a general decrease in interactions, or disappointment with the ex-partner. These negative reassessments seem to confirm in various ways that the previous relationship really is over, or that the breakup was the right thing to do.

Second most common (20%) was a positive definition of the new platonic relationship. Events included a cathartic/reflective talk, becoming friends, providing social support, and forgiveness. These positive reassessments often involved either being able to have conversations that were focused on their current lives rather than on past events, or talks that mutually cleared the air about the past, such as apologies.

Other typical turning points included holding on (unrequited advances by one partner, or attempts at reconciliation), letting go (waning feelings and realizing it's over), moving on (including moving away, or one or both partners developing new relationships), and the logistics of uncoupling (returning items, moving out of a shared residence).

Only five per cent of the participants reported that even the post-breakup relationship had broken up -- meaning the partners no longer had contact of any kind.

The researchers compared this study of dating relationships with previous research on the typical progression following a divorce. The divorce study found that the most typical turning point (79%) was in becoming a "well-functioning" two household family.

The researchers conclude that the presence of children provides motivation for divorced couples to work through to a positive post-divorce relationship, a motivation that isn't there to sustain the typical dating relationship after a breakup.

Nevertheless, this study concludes that dating couples who do the work to create positive interaction after a breakup find their new post-breakup friendship to be worth the effort.

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